MANAGING CHILDREN WITH DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES

 

Children differ in their personalities. This also means they will behave differently. The previous write-up; "how well do you know your child?" dealt extensively with the different personality types according to the Myers-Briggs criteria. Kindly read it if you have not done so already. This will enable you to appreciate this article better. Let us now consider how to manage children belonging to the various categories.

 

Feelers versus thinkers

Children who are feelers can easily be taken advantage of or abused because of their good-naturedness. They tend to sacrifice themselves often to make others happy. They can also succumb easily to peer pressure.  Be on the lookout for their welfare. You must engage your child to know how his/her day went at school and whether they made new friends. Ask them if they did something nice for someone. Being abreast with what goes on in their life will help you to quickly intervene if something is going wrong. When you want them to comply with an instruction, you must appeal to their emotions. Dwell mostly on how complying with the instructions will make you feel or how associating with certain children also makes you feel. Dwell on the negative emotions that can result from the consequences of disobedience. Let them know the importance of caring for themselves also.  Let them know that it may become necessary to attend to their needs first sometimes. When they get hurt, it can be deep. You may have to be there to help them get through pain.

Thinkers analyse situations logically. You get their maximum attention when you give them information and help them to logically arrive at the conclusion you desire. You must be patient with them because they ask a lot of questions. They are not swayed by emotions. Getting frustrated and shouting or crying only makes matters worse. Give them answers and guide them in their decision-making. Usually for thinkers, once they are convinced about what to do, you can be sure that they will stick to it even when you are not around; but you must help them to get to that point. You need to do this on many topics as they come up during the growing up period so that they are not influenced negatively by outsiders. Remember that there are people out there who can also make logical arguments that may even make what is wrong seem right. Extreme thinkers may appear insensitive to the emotional needs of others sometimes because, to them, things or decisions must make sense logically.  You need to sensitize them that certain decisions or actions may not always appear logical, but they must be taken sometimes if that makes people happy or may have to be avoided because it offends people though they may appear logical. You must be patient when teaching them this because it does not come naturally to them. This takes time. But you can patiently and gradually help them learn to consider the emotions of others.

 

Judges versus perceivers.

If a child who is a judge has family members or teammates who are perceivers, it can be frustrating for that child. When putting together a team for a task, you must bear that in mind. Remember that judges like structure and order. They are planners. Let them know what you want them to do ahead of time. They would usually want to know what the family will be taking for dinner or what will be happening over the weekend. Try as much as possible not to spring surprises on them or change the plan repeatedly. If you will be getting visitors, inform them ahead of time or as soon as you can and give the details of the visit. They must also learn to adapt to change because the truth is that unexpected things can happen in life. Teach them how to make backup plans. Do frequent exercises that involve asking your child, “Assuming this plan doesn’t go through, what will you do?”. Do you have plan B or C? This helps them to anticipate the possibility of change in plans and not overly get frustrated when it happens.

Perceivers easily adapt to change. They also do well when they are allowed room to be creative. So, if there is a task at home that requires creativity and constant reviews, you can think of letting your perceiving child handle that. They struggle when there is no flexibility. But they also tend to get distracted with other tasks leaving the original task uncompleted; so, although you must not be too rigid, some level of expectation and boundaries must be spelt out. They need constant reminders too. It also helps when they are given a deadline earlier than the actual deadline. For example, if you need to leave the house at 4 pm, you should tell your perceiver child to be ready at 3 pm. Some planning is also essential in life. You must therefore introduce them to planning. It must be gradual and be sure not to overdo it to make them feel confined or lose their creativity.  Planning doesn't come naturally to them so reward them when they follow through with plans or meet deadlines.

 Introvert versus extrovert.

The extrovert is the energy of the family. They make visitors feel at home. They lighten up the mood. They can get dull or feel low in energy if they haven’t interacted with people for some time. Ensure that they get the interaction they need. Also, ensure that they get it with the right people. If you don’t help them, get the interaction they need, they will find ways of creating it for themselves and may land in bad company. They also hate it when a program or an event must come to an end. You can help by talking about the event on your way home or at home. This helps them to relive that experience. They must know about introverts too. And that not everyone will want to be with people all the time. So that they learn gradually to give people their space when needed.

Introverts on the other hand get drained of energy when there are a lot of people around them. You must ensure that you help them have time to recharge after having to deal with people by allowing them time to be alone.  When you must receive visitors at home or go to a public place, they must be psyched ahead of time. They must not be forced to interact with people. While they must learn that interaction is necessary, you must make it gradual. Always reward them whenever they do it and ensure they get their “me-time” to recharge afterward.

 

Sensors and intiutors

You must help a child who is a sensor understand things by making it as practical as you. You must use the senses of touch, smell, taste, sight, and hearing. Instead of giving them tasks that require a lot of abstract thinking, let the product of their assignments be something that can be seen or touched. If your sensor child is in a school that doesn’t make the teaching practical, help him at home by using objects in the environment and activities done regularly to help him with schoolwork.

Intiutors excel when what they must do involves abstract thinking. As a parent, you must pay attention to them too because they can read between the lines and make conclusions that may not be evident to all. They must also learn to appreciate that people are different and may not see what they see.  They must therefore be patient with others and learn to communicate with them by making things practical.

Children must be taught the various personality types so that they can understand their siblings or friends and learn to relate well with them.

 

Parents need to understand the differences in children and help to nurture their strengths and patiently help them overcome their weaknesses. When a child does what doesn’t naturally come to him, he needs to be commended or rewarded. It can be as simple as saying, “Well done. I appreciate the effort”. Many parents make the mistake of comparing their children with other children or even their siblings. That can dampen their spirit or make them feel inferior to others giving rise to low self-esteem.  If you are tempted to get frustrated because your child’s personality is different from yours, just remember that “strength lies in differences, not in similarities”. - Stephen Covey.

 

Dr Gloria Amponsah-Kodua

Paediatrician Specialist

 

Acknowledgment

Dr Eugene Agyei Aboagye

Dr Marylin Marbell-Wilson and Dr Kristine Marbell-Pierre